Westland Distillery today announced the release of The Inheritance, a collection of ultra-rare single bottles of American Single Malt whiskey, each a one-of-a-kind expression that will be auctioned off online for charity on Thursday, April 1.

In a tongue-in-cheek, pre-April Fool’s news release, the distillery reveals that the collection is specifically targeted to “shrewd investors who recognize that whiskey today is far more valuable when left in the bottle to appreciate rather than be wasted by being poured into a glass.”

Westland co-founder and Master Distiller Matt Hoffman doubled down, saying, “It breaks my heart to see rare whiskeys opened and enjoyed, thereby cratering its value. For those searching to grow their wealth and stature, there is no better investment than whiskey. With prices being paid for whiskey at auction these days hitting record highs, we’d be fools not to get in on the game. We’re not fools. We’re tycoons. Why else would one want to be in the whiskey business?”

All kidding aside, the whiskey release is real, as is the auction, which will benefit Big Table, a charity that provides aid for restaurant and hospitality workers during the lasting pandemic shutdowns.

The potential future value of the whiskey is no joke. Each bottle in the Inheritance collection is hand-numbered and signed by key members of the Westland team. And if that isn’t enough to stabilize the “investment,” the news release assures that “each bottle comes in an impenetrable box, with a Certificate of Authenticity from the International Institute of Prestige & Distinction, and a Last Will and Testament so the whiskey can be formally added to the owner’s expanding estate.”

In addition, each of the 20 bottles to be auctioned is certified as an official Prestigious Whiskey by the sole authority of Westland Distillery. Best of all, potential investors can be assured that no two bottles are alike. And since they will remain sealed forever, it doesn’t matter what the flavor profile is like. Right?

“It was important that each bottle of The Inheritance be meticulously sealed and interred to ensure the integrity of the investment,” Westland’s Scott Sell said. “It doesn’t matter where the whiskey came from or what it tastes like, just that it’s truly rare. Investors can rely on us to deliver a genuine, authentic, uncompromised ultra-rare whiskey, so there’s no reason to ever open the bottle.”

The very real and absolutely charitable online auction will begin April 1, beginning at 12 a.m. Pacific Time.