I normally don’t copy and paste press releases. But this one’s snark and humor is too good to edit. I’m so glad Westland finally figured out that its new whiskey needs to be more like vodka. (It’s an April Fool’s joke, but it’s TOO good to not publish several days later.)

Four score and many years ago, Americans discovered whiskey!  And then they discovered vodka. Then they thought they discovered gin, but realized it was just botanical-flavored vodka. Then a bunch of “whiskey for vodka lovers” flooded liquor store shelves, leading Americans to realize they just wanted to drink real whiskey again. Now, on April 1, 2017, Seattle’s American Single

Malt brand, Westland Distillery, brings it all full circle with the introduction of BOLDSMOOTH.

In their unending quest to create the world’s finest single malt whiskey, the team at Westland was forced to ask new questions. “We asked ourselves,” says Master Distiller Matt Hofmann, “how can we bring more power, more allure, more elegance, more sophistication, more prestige, more dynamic magnetism, and even more boldness and smoothness into our whisky than any other whiskey on earth?”

To do so Hofmann and his team developed a proprietary quadfecta of four-step techniques that yield a whiskey that is simultaneously more Bold and more Smooth than any whiskey we’ve ever conceived before. Quadruple distilled! Quadruple matured! Quadruple filtered! Quadruple reserved!

1. Quadruple Distilled

Westland’s BOLDSMOOTH begins as a triple distilled light whiskey that has spent four years in a new American oak cask! It is then distilled ONE MORE TIME!, according to Hofmann’s unsparing standards.

2. Quadruple Maturated

BOLDSMOOTH goes through four rounds of aging to reach maximum maturity: Traditional maturation for four years is followed by Nested Aging in which a quarter cask is placed into a filled full-sized cask. Centrifugal Aging employs a one-ton Dodge Ram: casks are strapped to the bed before Hofmann rips brodies in a field of harvested barley. Finally, the casks are stewarded through a coming-of-age in the final stage of maturation – Experiential Aging. From front row seats at the symphony, to prestigious dinners with heads of state, no access is denied, no expense is spared as the casks enjoy the crème de la crème of the upper crust that leads to becoming a well-rounded and sophisticated individual of true stature and class!

3. Quadruple Filtered

Evoking the craftsmanship typically seen when HGTV plays late-night reruns of “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous,” BOLDSMOOTH begins its filtering journey by flowing from atop a pyramid of the finest crystal champagne glasses as each tier bestows a layer of sophisticated nuance that is imperceptible to those who are uninitiated to true finery. From there, the whiskey trickles over enough gold bullion to make a Russian oligarch blush, which imparts the elusive flavor of wealth and

stature, before passing through the horn of a narwhal, legendary for its wisdom and oceanic prowess. Finally, the spirit seeps through a tower of Cubic Zirconia to achieve an undeniable character and intangible quality of atonement!

4. Quadruple Reserved

The ultimate climax of Boldness and Smoothness is reached in the final step when BOLDSMOOTH is quadruple reserved – a step that requires NO EXPLANATION!

Hofmann recommends enjoying BOLDSMOOTH with nothing more than a bend of the elbow and the crick of a neck.

Westland’s BOLDSMOOTH American Single Malt Whiskey (40% ABV; $44.44 SRP) will be available beginning April 1, 2017, exclusively at Westland Distillery, 2931 First Avenue South, Seattle!